Puppet on a chain

Puppet on a chain.
Moves as how the chain moves.
Smiles if the chain makes it smile.
Falls if the chain makes it fall.

Manipulated.
Controlled.
Instrumented.
Toyed.

Entertainment to audience.
Makes the audience cry.
Makes the audience smile.
Makes the audience applaud.

Who is the applaud for?
Is it for the puppeteer?
Is it for the chain?
Is it for the puppet?

Does it even matter?
Does it matter to the puppeteer?
Does the chain have emotions?
Does the puppet have emotions?


Remains a fascination…
A puppet on a chain…

Happy Thanksgiving 2006

Its been one big boring day. Serves me right for not planning a long weekend. Well, I cant help it if there is nothing worthwhile any more in US to see. Not that this is my first long weekend at home. I was at home during Feb long weekend too. And as a matter of fact, I don’t consider this as a long weekend too, what with Friday actually being a working day. Good that atleast I am going out on this weekend. Thanks to Mithun. Thanks to Mani.

Scared now about Dec Christmas and Jan Martin Luther long weekends. Havent planned anything and the thought of not doing anything and spending all 3 days at home is scary. Hopefully I wouldn’t be here by Feb long weekend. Speaking of long weekends, it’s a nice concept. Holidays are scheduled in such a way that it leads to a long weekend. Encourages tourism. Encourages families to have get-togethers.

Saw Glory. Wonderful movie. The colored people are in the army but are not in the ‘Fighting squad’ and they want to fight. Felt like software engineers wanting to code, to be in development but are put in maintenance projects! A scene in it made me wonder how would it be to know that you are going to die. You look around you. The ocean, the birds, the waves, the soldiers. Never to see parents again, wife, kids. You are in early thirties. Fit and fine. For the sake of freedom. To rush ahead and face the bullets. To die a warrior’s death. Home they brought her warrior dead.

Chatted with Janani after a long time. Felt nice. Infact woke up early for the scheduled chat. Usual topic came about one’s looks. ‘Have I become fat?’ ‘Put on’ is more of a decent word she used. Probably healthier life style. Clean air. Simple two words but yet powerful, I felt. Isnt it all that Man should fight for? Clean air. Pure water. Electricity.

I read about chaotic traffic in Bangalore. Awesome start in the blog. “Water rushing past logs in a boulevard”. A comment to this says “In US, water is scared to enter the boulevard!” I saw some videos too about traffic in India. After 1.5 yrs in US, its scary. Yeah, it feels as if I am talking like grown and brought up in US, but the environment conditions the mind. Couple of months in India, and you can find me overtaking from left too.

I wonder if when one blogs one’s thoughts, one repeats? If I have said something before, wouldn’t I repeat it again if I feel strongly about it. Perhaps one does. Big deal. I noticed that I am mentioning my friend’s names in this blog. Something I wasn’t doing before.

The thing that made me laugh out loud today: Friends episode when Chandler describes a game of listing out all US states within 6 minutes. Joey calls out triumphantly within 6 minutes and says "I got it! I got all 56 states!" Boy that was funny!

Was seeing Seinfeld yesterday. It is an episode which has invented many catchy words, phrases. One such word is 'Friends-in-law'! When Jerry is not around, George and Elaine are like friends-in-law! They dont have anything to talk about left to themselves. The situation is uncomfortable. Hence the 'in-laws'! That uncomfortable situation. Jerry is the connecting person between the two! I have faced such situations so many times too! Felt so right!

Well alright. Time to hit the sack.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Sigh...

The waves come crashing over the rocks.
The Sun beats down its harsh rays.

There is a void in Space.
It is filled only with Silence.

There is so much to say.
But nothing comes out.

Reminiscences on a special day

Born : Apr 16th 1980

Joined LKG (Lower Kinder Garten) - Good Shepherd School : 1984

Finished Seventh Standard - Good Shepherd School : 1993

Finished Tenth Standard - Bangalore High School : 1996

Finished Pre-University - Vijaya Main College : 1998

Finished Engineering - Dr. Ambedkar Institute of Technology : 2002

Joined Infosys Technologies Limited : Nov 18th 2002

Today : Nov 18th 2006

Movies Vs Novels

The beauty of writing lies in what cannot be picturised as a movie.
For instance, The God of Small Things

The beauty of picturisation lies in what cannot be written as a novel.
For instance, The Usual Suspects

Pittsburgh Vs Tirumala

I went to Pittsburgh recently to seek blessings from His Highness Lord Venkateshwara. It was actually my second time.

I entered the last dwara – as one might say – where his Highness resides. The room was filled with about 20 people. Scattered around. Some in meditation. Some chanting slokas silently. Some just sitting. Some standing in front of the sanctum sanctorum. Just like any other temple.

I took a few steps towards the sanctum sanctorum and I could see Lord Venkateswara’s idol, adorned magnificently, as always. A slight smile, which somehow assures and says ‘Everything is going to be alright.’ I then did what people usually do in temples. Basically spent some time with Him. And shared the necessities.

Perhaps I had very high expectations, or my expectations matched with the same sense of satisfaction one gets when one visits the shrine at Tirumala (as the temple at Pittsburgh and the temple at Tirumala are managed by the same TTD authorites), that, I must admit, I felt quite disappointed after the visit. Both times. What was it that was lacking? The Idol by itself was beautiful. The decoration was wonderful. Holy feeling all around. Slokas in the background. Few people chanting bhajans. The sacredness and sanctity of the sanctum sanctorum.

My mind investigated back to the moments spent in Tirumala after one enters the last dwara. There will be like two hundred people ahead, with very little space. Squashed amidst people all around. People’s breath, sweat and stink crams one up. People elbowing, pushing, cursing. A human wave, slowly but surely nudging forward. Like 8 lanes merging to a single lane within few feet.

Some are chanting deliriously. Some are cursing the authorities for improper people management. Some are shouting slokas at top of their voice. Some are singing in praise of Him. Some are nudging ahead, caring nought for others, and in hurry to meet Him. Some are carrying kids on their shoulders, asking them to crane up and get the first glimpse of Him and clasp hands and pray.

Atmosphere is feverish. At that point of time, after 3-4 hours standing in the queue, after 2-3 hrs locked up in rooms, with legs aching, hunger playing tantrum in the tummy, feeling swamped, everyone has just one aim, one achievement in mind. Especially because the end of the queue is near. To see Lord Venkateshwara.

And, I realized with a bang, after decades of belonging to the clan of cursing-authorities-for-improper-people-management, that that is what makes visit to Tirumala so gratifying and satisfying. It’s that damn crowd! Its that challenge. Its that aim. Its that same human instinct of wanting to achieve something. That crave for success. And, in this case, success is just to see Him. To seek His blessings. The long hours of wait conditions the mind and channelised towards God. For Freedom. From all the difficulties. Per se.

And hence the satisfaction.

QED.

The Finer Life

Over the last few weeks, I saw couple of movies which were Simple and Wonderful. Movies which brought a Smile To The Lips. Nice and Easy. Low Budget and Smooth Flowing.

Before Sunset. A Beautiful Sequel. The whole movie is about two people talking to one another. Such a simple topic to make a film about. Two People Talking to One Another. Amazing conversation, amazing topics, amazing choice of words and beautiful narration.

Flavors. Another of those Indians-in-US movie. Set of characters, ranging from housewives to parents, unemployed to busybees, love affairs to marriages, east coast to west coast, all intertwined somehow to make one jolly movie with US as a setting. Makes one laugh at oneself.

Gods Must be crazy – I and II. Very simple but very humorous. Absolutely no violence, but yet reference to it being just around the corner. World looked at from the eyes of Uncivilized People, mocking at Man With Money. How simple life actually is, and how complicated Man has made it.

I realise I am tending towards Too Many Caps…. Its just too much influence from my Current Novel - Roy’s The God of Small Things. It has a Language of its Own.

It all evens out in the end

Love obtained as a kid.
Lack of love when senile.

Care-free youthfulness.
Mid-life crisis.

Lack of time when in job.
Loads of time when retired.

Affectionate parents.
Dispassionate children.

Robust vitality.
Irritating healthlessness.

Devouring of the Feast with strong morals.
The crushed tasteless rice for the denture.

The constant traveling.
The difficulty to walk.

The Richness.
The Poorness.

The Laughs.
The Weeps.

The Highs.
The Lows.

The Happiness.
The Sadness.

It all evens out in the end.

Passing Thought

You are better than some people; so you feel happy.
You are better than some people; so you can continue to be you.

There are some people better than you; so you feel inferior.
There are some people better than you; so you can try to improve.

The Last Thought

Every night.
Lying down on the bed to go to sleep.
Closed eyes.

Comes this sinking feeling.
Literally sinking.
And a gasping suffocation.

Drowning horizontally.
Hands and arms flailing.
Desperately.

And a huge, huge boulder on top.
Crushed below due to its sheer weight.
Helpless.

Into the body of water.
Going down and down.
Bottomless.

Loses the consciousness.
Drifts thankfully to slumber.

Every night.

Being Single

Much to the chagrin of the parents, who, somehow for an unfathomable reason, consider that its their responsibility, one who is single for a considerable time attains something close to what is usually called Nirvana, which makes the concept of marriage and holy matrimony a thing of ‘No Requirement.’

There have been many instances of such occurrences wherein a person being single for an excessive amount of time, will start liking being alone and enjoying the freedom and independence of oneself that a marriage will then start looking like more like a constriction what with all the sacrifices and adjusting that is very rightly needed for the wedlock to sustain.

The love for oneself exceeds to an extent that one can be happy with the bare minimum of re-telecasted shows on television, a nice cozy novel, endless music, some good movies, cooking at times and above all, obsessed with work. With just these, there arises no necessity for any responsibility towards any other human being, and one is satisfied to live life for oneself.

Its also comprehensible, hence, that when the occasion arises for a social gathering, wherein, understandably, the hall is filled with couples, such single people are odd men out and would therefore tend to avoid the mere attendance, much satisfied within the safety of one’s abode. Call it staying within the tortoise’s shell, but its better than answering a hundred people why you are not coupled up. Does a lot to ebb one’s confidence.

But then, as informed earlier, sooner or later, parents start pushing for ‘completion of responsibility’. And it is then that marriage will become more of a ‘task’ than a celebration of the union of two people.

Reboot

I want to go away.
To a far, far place.
Where no one knows me.

Relinquish everything.
Bring down the cobwebs.
Walk away from the graves.

Disown everybody.
Tear down the dirty clothing.
Abandon the possessions.

Have a refreshing bath in the Holy Water.
Die and be born again.
To a new and refreshing arena.

Where all is clean and neat again.
Filled with innocence.
And lots of happiness.

Just another bad day...

Disturbed sleep. Woke up 1.5 hrs late. Time only to brush teeth and grab cereals. I knew it was going to be a bad, bad day. It was written in big bold letters.

Reached office on time. Felt dirty. Unshaven and unbathed. But things went smooth first half. Time dragged on. Almost like the lull before the storm. Pizza for lunch. Yummy.

Clock strikes 2. As part of install verification, I await for a file on a specific folder as an output of a job. Nope. 2.01 pm. Nope. Heart beat increases. 2.02 pm. Heart beat increases even more. The clock strikes like a deadly time bomb. I knew something had gone wrong. First beads of sweat and panic. Faintly feeling.

I rush to a prod box to get logs of the job. Sure enough, it had failed. Logs have insufficient explanation. I ping someone else to provide more logs. And then, at 2.10 pm, the truth is out there. Mistake in the code. Its laughing at me, mocking at me. A series of ‘Oh My God’ comes out of my lips and I let my head fall on my hands and I stay like that for the shock to pass.

Cubicle mates offer help, try to soften the blow. ‘Want anything from Starbucks?’ So sweet. But no thanks. Things are to be done. Escalations. I shoot out a mail, succinctly describing the issue, the cause and the resolution.

Word spreads fast. Within minutes, I am asked on phone with senior management explaining the situation. People all over are pulled in to explain the protocol of a production incident and its fix. Quick meeting. Ten powerful people have ten different things to say.

It was 3 pm within minutes. Amazing how time flies at times of crisis. A hundred dependent jobs were waiting for my job to finish. A hundred people waiting to see how their jobs work. Tension was palpable. The meeting decided who has to do what.

Code fix had to go within 5 pm. Impact analysis and a thorough test needed to be done to ensure that no other wrong code exists. Help was taken all around to ensure things got done. Many VPs were paged at 4 pm on a Friday to approve tickets and ensure code push to production ASAP. ‘ASAP’ couldn’t have been better realized than today.

Code fixed, tested and checked for any more loop holes while bevy of senior people standing behind my neck to ensure I don’t screw it up again. Code pushed to prod and all set by 5. Job is made to run again at 5.15 pm. Time is 5.13 pm.

Never had I looked at time like this before. Never had I this feeling of time clicking away to another bomb. Had I defused all wires? Were there anymore? 5.16 pm. Job started. No file on folder yet. 5.17 pm. No file on folder yet. I swallowed. Ten pair of eyes were staring at the status of the job, and we knew a hundred others were waiting on the phone for our job to complete. Atlast, we could see the file on the folder!

A big sigh. Another failure, and I would have shot myself. Huge relief. Congratulations all around. Not a word of blame. Not an iota of ‘you-screwed-it-up’ thought. Everything was like team work. A big ‘Thank you’ from all for having got it fixed. Imagine that! I screw it up and I get thanks for fixing it! Wow.

Post mortem analysis and more install verifications led to completion of day’s tasks at 9 pm. It had been a long day. A day to forget. It was a sad day. But it was good that the issue was resolved, and I could have a good night’s sleep. It was an irony that amidst the thousands of complicated things that were thought out during development of the job, the job failed at one of the silliest points. Damn.

I came out of the office to get hit by chilly wind. My car is all that is there in the parking lot. I revved up the engine and started my way back to home. Thousand things were in my mind.

How do things work in other professions? A doctor doesn’t have dev int, rel int and acceptance testing before he goes to commence his operation. An engineer doesn’t have dev int, rel int and acceptance testing before thousands of gallons of water hit the dam or hundreds of vehicles go on a bridge.

I mean, work has to be 100% perfect, else its not going to be the right world to stay in. And for work to be 100% perfect, one has to be brilliant, truly brilliant to think about all possible scenarios and be absolutely infallible. A hundred jobs went live today, and it was humiliation to see just my job fail. All hundred were better than me. Says a lot about my brilliance, or the lack of it.

Am I in the right profession? Do I even fit in here? If I am more experienced, would such incidents never occur? I mean, man is not infallible, so I cannot say, with time, I would not do any mistakes. The incident just showed how truly insignificant I am in front of thousands and thousands of people who have done so much to this world, and I couldn’t even get a small, simple thing working. Jeez!

Mistakes in my profession can be fixed in next install, and the max harm that was caused is a wait time for a number of people. However, mistakes in professions like doctors and engineers cause lives to be lost. How can one live if such a thing occurs? Scene in Raju ban Gaya Gentleman props upto the mind.

The mind kept gnawing at such thoughts till I reached home. I wanted to pour out my anguish over myself to someone, but alas, there was no one at home. No one to talk to when I desperately needed one. Tummy rumbled, but there was no food. 10 pm on a bad, bad day, I set out with the yucky frozen parathas. Thank God, next day was a weekend.

I hit the sack and lay there, a defeated man. Cuddled up and tried to sleep with a sad shake of head.

Chakravyuha

There are some tales that one just cant forget. One such tale that has fascinated me since childhood is the tale of Abhimanyu.

The story goes as follows. One of the famous types of warfare during Mahabharat is Chakravyuha, wherein, the enemy, in hundreds, form a big circular formation and the objective of the other party is to single-handedly penetrate this circle and get out of it successfully, by fielding off the barrage of arrows that is targeted at self and at the same time, be on the attacking mode.

This being a not-so-easy task, as a man even of lower intellect can quickly deduce, needs a trick, as is so common in warfare, to come out successfully and wish to see one’s own arms and limbs in the way it was prior to the adventure. And such a trick was known only to Lord Krishna and Arjuna.

The tale becomes slightly interesting now. Krishna, by way of conversation, is imparting the knowledge of entering this impenetrable Chakravyuha to Subhadra, when Abhimanyu, still an unborn child in S’s womb, hears about it, and kids being what they are, total grasping power and what-not, remembers it for lifetime. However, Subhadra, apparently is too bored to hear about the whole story and dozes off in the middle and Krishna is forced to stop in the middle.

Ages later, when the Good is fighting the Bad, the Bad challenge the Chakravyuha warfare to the Good. Good accept the challenge as they have Krishna and Arjuna who can break the Big Circle. However, the Bad forms – by way of another trick of warfare - a diversion so that Krishna and Arjuna are not in the scene at the time of Chakravyuha. That leaves only with Abhimanyu amongst the Good to take up the challenge.

Enabled only with the knowledge of penetrating the circle but not coming out successfully, Abhimanyu fights valiantly and single handedly, and is able to break the formation but, alas, goes down in the end, fighting.

Somehow, this concept of Chakravyuha and the tale of Abhimanyu is fascinating to me. The former encapsulates the point of a person facing difficulties from three sixty degrees. And the latter encapsulates grasping capacity of an unborn and how mortal a human being is without Knowledge.

Now I wish I knew the trick too…!

"Why no blogs?"

An easy and quick way to answer ‘Why no blogs?’ – I pretty much figured – was to toss out an out-of-sabbatical-blog. It would save me from replying to the multitudes my new-found phrase of ‘Wanting-to-write-but-just-not-got-around-to-it’ and kick the ‘oh-God-what-happened-to-harsha’ thought out of my devoted blog-readers.

Quick update about the bare essentials. More for myself to know what-happened-this-day-twenty-five-years-ago when I check upon this blog - if it still exists in its current state, art and technology - a quarter of century later, with magnifying lens for my underrated eyes and a walking stick at my side.

Wonderful time spent with parents. For the first time felt responsibility for home and office. In Bangalore, it was taken for granted that state of affairs in the house was handled by dad and me just worried about office. But, here, I felt morally responsible for the doings and undoings of parents. An obligation to go back to home early and keep them occupied, show them places and spend time with them. Something which was always taken for granted when I was in Bangalore. Jeez! This is how its going to be when I become married!!

As a proud son – I would be lying if I say I am not proud of myself – I ensured they had a nice time here. Showed them all places I had charted out and pre-planned, and as in most cases, the plan always gets executed to perfection. From apt-booking to receiving-them-at-airport, from flight-booking-to-and-fro-Niagara to package-tour-to-Washington-and-New York, from local-sightseeing to friends’-dinner-visits, from fall-foliage-at-new Hampshire to my-cubicle-in-office, from trip-to-Pittsburgh to dropping-them-off-to-Brother’s-place-in-Detroit, everything went as smooth as it could. It would be unfair to say parents were not emotional at the time of my departure from Detroit.

And then, alas, back to usual routine. If you can imagine a kid being given a chocolate, and after a while, the chocolate is taken away, then I was that kid. Gone were the days of no-cooking, no-dish-washing, yummy-evening-and morning-snacks, bathroom-all-for-myself, hot-lunch-awaiting-at-noon-time!

Now all that is left is a daily call of ‘Wassup?’ while my bro enjoys the luxury.

Feels Good...

Parents in US...
Felt like an achievement...

9 To 5

For months together, I have been dreaming about a job which occupies my day only from 9 to 5. Today, I went to office on the dot at 9 and left office on the dot at 5! Although I didnt change my job, today was a luxurious day when it comes to timing, and I felt really happy!

It wasnt that I was bored to death and was waiting to leave at 5. It wasnt that I was jam packed with work and forced myself to leave at 5. Things went coolly and calmly, in a soothing manner and in its on pace. Jobs got done without issues and it felt great to have had an efficient and productive day!

Time and again, I find myself grousing to the Almighty for the lack of such-and-such a thing. What I fail to realise is that when such-and-such a thing is actually bestowed upon me, sometime later, my grouses would have shifted to some other object of desire and the whole fact of the original wish having been bestowed is lost in translation, and the feeling of 'You-dont-do-anything-to-me' remains topmost against the Doer of Everything!

Time to bow and say a heartfelt : Thanks!

Salutations...

...to all those who were directly or indirectly affected by the 9/11 tragedy five years ago.

A moment of silence to all those who will forever be heroes...

So whats new...?

Woke up at 11 as on any typical Sunday. Saw a Hindi movie : Kalyug. And then US Open Men's Finals. Federer is simply awesome. Rued not having gone to New York to see it live. A nice walk in the evening cold. Saw a shocking documentary on 9/11's true happenings caught on tape. And finally a blog.

As on any day, mind muddling conversations and thoughts always get processed. Heard about one more colleague having quit the company. Its now so common that you are looked at queerly if you do not quit at onsite...I am often now being asked the same question I ask myself : What are you doing?

There was a talk of how lonesome I am getting these days. People quitting. People moving out. People getting married. Not enough guys to hang out with these days. Its common now to go to a gathering where I will be the odd man out. All would either be paired or engaged or married, and topic would undoubtedly be about their exciting future. Again, I am often being asked the same question I ask myself : What are you doing?

Insignificant

One more 'wasted' day. Seriously, I feel I am wasting royally an awful lot of good life. Saw clips of some movies (to kill time) but they turned out to be terrible. Stopped them all midway.

Just finished writing a nice mail to a good friend of mine. It had been quite some time since I had wrote to him. It had a lot of 'advice' poured in good measure than the talk of general health. It somehow feels good to give advice. Whether its taken or not is upto the recipient, but one feels good after giving advice. Its like having done something good! I hope the mail helps him...

Spoke to another of my junior who has come to US to do her MS. I am terribly proud of her. I have a high respect, in general, for those who pursue higher studies. Perhaps its because I didnt do it myself. I keep pushing people whomsoever is thinking about it, to go ahead and just do it. Do what I say but dont do what I do!

Chatting with anyone at this age of mine inevitably will bring up the topic of marriage. I might have used the same usual sentences with hundreds of friends. Perhaps I should save a template and keep copy pasting!

Just came to know that a fellow colleague quit. There is always a tinge of sadness when someone quits. But then again, its for their own good. The future will definitely have good things to offer if they pursue their true ambitions. My sincere wishes for a wonderful life ahead.

Couple of days ago, I saw Water. A depressing movie, like The sea inside. But very touching and poignant. Makes me feel I am so lucky.

Once in a while, a lesser known, offtype movie catches my attention, and I end up seeing all through, and at the end, it will leave me with a smile and satisfaction of having seen it. Son-in-law, Racing stripes, Something that Lord made, Patch Adams, Fever pitch, Lost in Translation, The girl next door, On the line are some examples. And today I happened to see Big Girls dont cry...they get even. As informed in IMDB, this movie is best enjoyed on a lazy day!

Perhaps it wasnt all that bad a day...it was just another lazy weekend! Will sign-off with a cliche from the Big girls... :

"Have fun and enjoy! Dont torture yourself...Life will take care of it!"